“I had to defend myself.”  “She started it.”  “I won’t let anybody talk to me like that.”  “This is who I am.”

Common reasons for arguing.  Not very smart reasons for arguing.

Conflict.  We all experience it.  Very few of us enjoy it.  Our ability to deal with it significantly influences our personal and professional success. 

Reality TV shows offer a very “unique” perspective on dealing with conflict: launch into it whenever the opportunity presents itself!  It’s just amazing to me.  Choosing a few different words in response to a comment or question could keep the conversation professional and respectful.  But perhaps the reality actors believe the fights and loud conversations will give them more air time and improve ratings.  So they choose to argue, defend, justify, curse, yell, and put each other down.  Their goal: have the last word.  And make sure it’s not a nice one.

What typically drives a conversation or disagreement to the “let’s pull in the viewers” level is the need to prove your point.  To make sure your voice is heard.  To be right.

Libraries and book stores are filled with excellent books on resolving conflict: Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict Into Collaboration by Stewart Levine, How to Reduce Workplace Conflict and Stress: How Leaders and Employees Can Protect Their Sanity and Productivity from Tension and Turf Wars by Anna Maravelas or Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time by Susan Scott.

But you can, of course, start working through conflict right now, before reading any books, by remembering one thing…

Listen.

Listen for the message behind the words.  If your verbal sparring partner feels you are sincerely listening and trying to understand his or her perspective, the conversation will drop in decibels and tension.

Ask:  What do you want me to know?  Understand?  What are you asking me to do or say differently?

Listening is a pretty simple and successful way of getting your tough conversations back on track.

Roxanne Emmerich’s blog this week stresses the importance of agreeing to disagree when conversations are tough.  (By the way, her blog is always filled with good information on workplace challenges.  Add her to your Favorites list.)

When someone starts putting on their boxing gloves during your conversation, take a step back, breathe deeply, and listen.  You’ll get more air time and your ratings will go up…for all the right reasons.

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It was Amy’s first day of first-grade. She had spent hours shopping for the perfect dress, matching purse, and headband. Her enthusiasm for starting school was over-the-top. As she entered the classroom, one of the other students said critically, “Why are you wearing that? You look like you’re going to church.”

In a matter of moments, Amy’s excitement turned to embarrassment and self-consciousness. The words of another 7-year old girl had dampened her spirit and changed her view of this new experience.

Children say hurtful things, and it’s easy to chalk it up to immaturity. And yet, we see the same thing happen in our workplaces every day.

Our choice of words, our tone of voice, and the way we form our messages have a great influence on our  work environment. The words we choose, and our implied or explicit approval of the language used around us, set the tone for the entire workplace. Our environment is viewed as respectful or disrespectful, in large part due to the way we communicate.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

What a silly rhyme.

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Harassment allegations in the workplace usually look like this. One employee makes harassment allegations against another employee. The alleged harasser’s response to the allegations is surprise and embarrassment. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and he feels horrible about it.

Most people who use inappropriate and unprofessional language in the work setting do not set out to offend anyone. They are “just joking,” or teasing. Unfortunately, co-workers who find the language offensive don’t care about the speaker’s intent — they care about the impact of the words. And that usually involves feeling demeaned, disrespected, and very uncomfortable.

When we go to work, we should expect to be treated respectfully by our supervisors and co-workers. Part of that implicit agreement is that we show respectful consideration for each other through our language.

It’s the impact of our words that matter, not the intent.

The issue is respect.

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A true story.

Jill brought a sexual harassment complaint against Joe. Joe was allegedly setting tacks on his female co-workers’ chairs. A second woman brought a complaint against Joe because he was snapping the bra straps of his female co-workers. These were only two of several sexual harassment complaints against Joe. Each allegation was investigated.

The irony? Joe turned around and filed a complaint against the company.  He alleged the company was harassing him by conducting the investigations.

What’s going on here?  Joe has obviously made several women at work very uncomfortable.  And his actions are inappropriate and unprofessional.  His response?  He became the victim.  No sense of responsibility on his part.

Think about the emotional toll this had on the work environment.  The time involved in addressing the situation.  The loss of productivity.

Joe should have apologized.  Stopped the behavior.  But no.  He refused to take responsibility for his actions.  And the anxiety and drama continued until Joe was fired.

Joe’s behavior was a little extreme.  But I bet we can all think of times when we’ve made a mistake, missed a deadline, or offended someone at work.

What was your response?  Defensive?  Blame?  “Not my fault?”  Or did you swallow your pride, learn from your mistake, take responsibility and move on. Your future success depends on your response.

Refusing to take responsibility for your actions can become a character flaw and a career derailer.  It’s a path that leads nowhere.

Accepting responsibility is a character strength and career builder.  It’s a path that leads to success.

It’s your choice.

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